They say time heals grief, but it really only sets it aside until a day like today, when memory absorbs every corner of your mind and heart.
Perhaps I will sound a bit selfish with this post. But im going to write it anyways.
I am dreading the holidays. I wish I could press a fast word button..About this time last year, mom was still around. I was walking into her bathroom seeing her distended belly and begging her to tell me what was going on with her. You see, mom was always a secretive person, and because the holidays were approaching, she tried to keep the return of her cancer a secret. But she couldn’t hide from me, I had just graduated nursing school and I knew something was off. She was losing weight like crazy, looked ill. This time last year, was around the time mom broke down and told me her cancer had returned.. and life just seemed to rush by until she passed away January 1st. I am thankful to have spent the holidays with her, but man I am not ready to spend them without her.
I know ill be just fine though, God has a track record of 100 % for getting me through bad days.
When I am feeling extra down, I always think of a sermon I once heard. It reminds me that there is more to this life, and one day ill see her again. Here is something for someone that may be going through what I am:
What heaven must be like:
God doesn’t show it to us does he… at least not in its entirety
He just asks us to trust him.
Imagine a baby not yet born, still in the womb… and one day the voice of God speaks to that child… And he says…
GOD: I want you to leave this place…
BABY: “leave this place?…
BABY: why would I leave this place?
BABY: Its dark, and its warm, and I hear my mother’s heartbeat… Why would I leave?”
GOD: “But if you don’t leave this place:
-You will never see the brown in your mother’s eyes
-You will never see the smile of pride on your father’s face
-If you don’t leave this place you will never know what it feels like to run
-Or stand on a mountain and look out into the lowering sky
-Or what its like to feel the breeze in your face
-Or feel the cool ocean tide wash in over your feet
-You will never know loves first kiss
-Or what its like to hold your baby boy”
And the baby in the womb said…
– “What’s brown?
– And what’s an ocean
– Ive never seen an ocean… I don’t know what they are
– So I think i’ll stay right here”
GOD: And God said… “No, you will have to leave… thats just the way it is”
BABY: And the Baby said, “will it hurt?”
GOD: And God because he is honest said, “yes, maybe more than you’ve ever hurt in all your existence, but it will be worth it, just trust me.”
And the day came and the pressure was intense and the baby cried out and said, “I thought you loved me?”
And God said, “I do, hold on.”
And soon the baby was born into a world of sights and smells and sounds and experiences that it had never imagined before.
And that baby looked at God and said, “Why didn’t you tell me it was going to be this beautiful!?”
And God said, “I tried, you just couldn’t understand”
That baby boy grew up until he was in his 80’s
GOD: “You are going to have to leave this place.”
B: ” Leave this place? No… No… I don’t want to go
– There are things I haven’t seen
– And works I haven’t accomplished
– And I have a wife that I love more than I love my life
– And I have kids and Grandkids and they mean so much to me
– And I have others on the way that I haven’t seen yet
– There are books I haven’t read
– Ocean’s I haven’t seen…
– Things i haven’t done…
– I JUST DON’T WANT TO GO”
GOD: “But if you don’t leave here:
– You won’t know what its like to walk the streets paved with pure gold
– And gates of a single pearl
– You won’t know what it is like to live in a mansion
– What it is like for me to wipe the tears from your eyes… that you’ve shed for so long.
– And death will be know more
– And there will be no more crying
– No more sadness
– No more pain”
And the old man said:
– “I don’t need gold anymore… it doesn’t mean much to me.
– Pearls… my wife doesn’t even wear them
– And you know… all the wisdom I’ve gained in my life… I’ve learned through pain and tears.
– So, If it is alright with you… I will just stay here!
And God smiled and said
“No, you have to go… its just the way it is”
So the old man said, “will it hurt?”
And God because he is honest said, “Yes, maybe more than you’ve hurt in your entire life…But trust me… It will be worth it”
And the day came, and the pain was intense, and the old man cried out, “Where are you God, I thought you loved me?”
And God said, “I do, just hold on”
And a few minutes later he was born into a world where there was no more limitation… no more pain… where no one ever hurts you and no one ever wants to.
Where those who we’ve lost will be
Where you can live and rejoice and work all day long and never get tired
Where those who we’ve lost and miss will be
Where we can live in comfort and peace with them and God forever!
Surely heaven will be worth it all!
and he looked at God and said, “WHY DIDN’T YOU EVER TELL ME THAT IT WOULD BE THIS WONDERFUL?”
And he said, “I tried, you just couldn’t understand.”
Sometimes we need to let go and learn to trust God..He always has our best interests in mind and a plan set for us that we may not understand in the beginning. I always try to remember, that each day I wake up I am one step closer to being with God and with my mother. Maybe Jesus wont come back in the next 2000 years, but I wont live that long. As long as I am living the right way, in a way that He knows me, each day I wake up, I am one step closer. Just gotta hold on.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
Said goodbye, turned around
And you were gone, gone, gone
Faded into the setting sun,
But I won’t cry
Cause I know I’ll never be lonely
For you are the stars to me,
You are the light I follow
I will see you again
This is not where it ends. ❤