No I am not some miserable single girl who is writing a post that will bash men or relationships. No I am not going to talk about how great being single is. But a few girls remind me of myself, who I hope will read this and perhaps benefit from.
Im single because I want to be, I need to be right now. Its not because there are just “no right men,” out there. There are tons of right men. But I am working on making myself the right woman so I can offer a complete version of myself to someone. Not just broken, insecure pieces, hoping they will know what to do with them.
Yes I know no ones perfect. Thats not the goal here. Imperfections are fun, they make us who we are. We each spice up the world a bit with our differences and quirks. And I know my right one wont want me to be perfect, and I don’t want him to be either. Im not chasing perfect. I am chasing a foundation to start with, and I think it starts with finding ourselves. Finding who God created us to be.
Here are 11 things that happened when I decided to stay single and find myself:
1. The Discovery: Who am I?
When I lost my mother, at first I looked for comfort through other people. But I realized I needed to dig deep and find myself. Finding myself meant asking myself who I was? Where I came from? I turned to the bible for answers..Finding myself helped me realize that someone loved me so much that he sent his Son to die for me even though I was unworthy.
“For God so loved the word, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through HIm.”
I learned that when I was chose to hear these words Romans 10:17” So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. believe, confess them, Romans 10:10 ” For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.” Repent, Repent means to reform. To change my ways..Acts 2:38 “Repent and be baptized every one of you.” and become baptized, I was baptized into Christ Galatians 2:27
” For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ.”
Being in Christ, meant that I should probably get to know Him, and get to know who I was representing when I called myself Christian.. It turns out that getting to know Him has helped me to get to know myself and mend myself to be more like Him.
2. Becoming a new creature
“Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: the old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” 2 Cor 5:17
When I became a new creature in Christ, my behavior changed. I no longer found joy in reckless behavior. I no longer felt alone, broken down, used. My overall lifestyle and attitude changed. I learned more about Christ and mended myself to become more like Him.. For example,
“ But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”
I developed these. Instead of being impatient, rude, jealous, angry, envious, I gained a new persona.
3. Learning to love myself.
Genesis 1: 26-27, 31“Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.. and God saw everything that he made, and behold, it was very good.”
I gained the ability to love myself because I am made in His image. Loving ourselves has nothing to do with being conceited, arrogant, or having an infatuated sense of self worth. Usually people who cast out these characteristics have a very negative regard for themselves (Jane McWhorter). Loving myself rid my need to try to impress people, because I realized it was just a defense mechanism. The only person I need to impress is God. If we truly love ourselves, there is no need to try to act superior to the world. Other people will eventually discovery the qualities I have to offer. Besides, we don’t love ourselves for who we are, but because of whose we are:
4. Saying Goodbye to Comparisons
Not all of us travel the same path, but you’re no better than me and I am no better than you. It is sooo easy to start comparing yourself to others and immediately feel inferior. But one of my favorite sayings is to “never compare your day 1 to someones day 50” and I think this applies to every situation in life. Whether it be working out, being more spiritual, or working towards a college degree. Losing the habit of comparing myself to others allowed me to feel less stressed and free. Plus, Jesus never felt the need to prove himself. A great example of this is when Jesus was being tempted by Satan.
Satan tempted Jesus in the wilderness
“Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.2 After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. 3 The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. 6 “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:
“‘He will command his angels concerning you,
and they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.”
Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. 9 “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.
Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only. Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.
You know, I am not sure if I was Jesus if I wouldn’t have thought to myself “well ill show you satan,” and feel the need to prove myself. As humans we often feel the need to prove ourselves, but why? Notice that Jesus did not need to prove himself. Notice also that he fought the temptation of Satan with saying “it is written.” I think this is a big reminder that we need to have that scripture buried within us to pull from during times of temptation..
5. Learning the difference between being alone and being lonely: Before I found myself, I always felt like I needed to be in a relationship. I needed company. A shoulder to cry on. Someone to turn to. Someone to help me. I hated being alone. But now I enjoy it because I realize that there is a huge difference between being alone and lonely. I think I finally found true happiness because I finally understand the positive aspect of solitude. I think Jesus even demonstrated this quality.
After He had sent the crowds away, He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray; and when it was evening, He was there alone.
For me, I spend time alone writing and reflecting on things I want to change.. Some of my closest friends tell me they know when I want to be alone, they say they can just tell I need to think..There is nothing wrong with spending time alone..My advice to anyone who is doing some soul searching: Spend time alone, get to know yourself. Learn to love everything about yourself so you can love others.. If there’s something about yourself you want to change start small. Set small victories, achieve them. Whether it be weight loss, higher education, whatever. Achieving them boosts your self esteem and those with high self esteem lose their desire to prove themselves to others and lose the feeling of inadequacy. Instead they desire to help bring out the best in others. When you find yourself, people are drawn to the confidence you exude. Its like a secret hidden behind your smile. That secret is the independence you have gained by knowing you are a child of a King. You attract what you put out. If you are great, you attract great.
6. Sweet freedom.
John 8: 32 ” And ye shall know the truth; and the truth shall make you free.”
I gained freedom from constantly feeling troubled, discouraged, lost, depressed, helpless, anxious, inferior, isolated, and unloved. As a christian woman, I am promised that there will be times of troubles, and ill face discouragement:
James 1:2 “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness and let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. ”
But I know it is just a season and ill get through it. If anything, it is helping develop my faith muscles. Also, I am free from feeling inadequate. I am aware of my limitations and weaknesses, and instead of feeling trapped by them, I use them as stepping stones, and ways to relate to others. When I changed my perspective, I realized I was free from feeling like a victim.. Sure I have been through alot, but who hasnt? Everything we go through in this life has potential to teach us something, if we listen instead of drown it out with self pity.
7. Learning to accept things as they are, not how I want them to be. I used to hate being single. And often I would settle for someone that I knew was bad for me. But I have learned to accept things as they are and realize that maybe im just not ready yet and God knows it. Life is all about timing. Once I realized this, I saved myself alot of stress. Gaining this mentality rids the chances you’ll settle and allows you the opportunity to hand pick any guy because the good ones start showing up out of no where.This has allowed me to stop searching and let him find me.. I decided to trust God’s timing, He has been right so far. Besides, happiness comes from within, not from men.
8. Learning how to compromise without being walked all over. Alot of times we put up with things from people because we think if we don’t, they will leave us. But finding myself, helped me to realize that I deserve the best, and if someone wants to leave, ill show them the door. If someone wants to judge me for my past, they will have to answer for that.. There is only one judge..You have to know what you want and like so you can properly express it when the time comes. But being able to compromise over certain things is equally important.
9. Loss of Envy.
“Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.”
Ive learned to respect other women instead of immediately hating the ones that are doing better than me. When I used to see a girl doing better than me, or happier than me, I immediately felt inferior and jealous of her. But now I want to be that girls friend, and learn what she did to get there. I am drawn to successful, truly happy, independent women because usually, they want you to be successful and truly happy as well.
10. Security : Nothing screams insecurity like a girl who constantly finds faults in others. I was one of those girls. I would constantly look for faults in other people because it made me feel more secure about myself. But I realized we need to be women who bring each other up, not down. We need to look for the best in each other.
11. Goodbye to serial dating. Yes I am guilty of online dating. No I dont think there is anything wrong with it, I know a lot of people who have found their “one” online. Yes dating around can be fun. I have ended up with a couple of very good friends out of it, but its a process if you do not find yourself first. Dating without the intent of marriage is like going to the grocery store with no money, you either end up taking something thats not yours or leaving unsatisfied. Save yourself some time and save someone elses time by finding yourself first.
Im single right now because I want to be. Not forever, no one truly wants to be single for ever. If they tell you that, they are lying, and hiding behind fear of past hurt and insecurity.
I want to be a good woman first. Good women are a dying breed, which I think is causing good men to die out as well. Why should a man be on good behavior and try hard to please a woman, or wait for her, when another woman will settle for less? He has nothing to work for because he can move on to the next insecure girl.
No one will complete you but God and yourself. Only He can take our broken pieces and create them into something beautiful.. We have to let go and let God..Oh and by the way, PLEASE stop trying to fix the bad boys, let them fix themselves. Trust me on that one please..
I will leave you with three things that have helped me:
Love yourself because He loves you.
Forgive yourself because He forgives you.
How you treat yourself sets the standard for how others will treat you.